remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
