If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
