and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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