I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
