put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
