I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
