All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
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