what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
