you would pick up someone in the library
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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