can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
