I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
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you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
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You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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