Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
