He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
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