it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
