It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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