So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Randomize
