I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
