Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
