Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
They have beer where we have blood.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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