I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
i've created a new STD.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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