im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
