Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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