I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
my being single is dangerous.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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