I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
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What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
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I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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