i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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