Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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