I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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