The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
