Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
