I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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