Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Randomize
