I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
