I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
