If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Randomize
