i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
