This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
