I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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