I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
