i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
