Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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