He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
