mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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