Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
