And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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