she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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