I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
