Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
