I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
