Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize