his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Randomize
