Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
