Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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