Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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