I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED