I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Did I show you my penis last night?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.