She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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