I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
