ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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