Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
So drunk its hurt
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Randomize
