i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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