u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
